True Female Power: Beyond Perfectionism and Guilt

Why authentic leadership starts with letting go of what you think "being strong" should look like

You want to make an impact. Deliver results, maintain high standards, grow. Not because you have to, but because it’s in your nature. At the same time, you want to be there for others: your children, your parents, your partner, your team..... Because care is also a deep part of who you are.

And that’s exactly where the tension begins. Personal leadership sounds powerful, but often feels like an inner tug-of-war.

So the question is, how do you stay true to yourself when different parts of you are pulling in different directions? Often we tend to look for solutions like better time management but...

It’s not a time problem. It’s a values conflict.

Many great professionals I meet, and especially women, feel overwhelmed, guilty, or they feel like they’re constantly falling short. Not because they’re doing too little, but because their core values are in conflict. The drive to achieve. The desire to care. The belief that they need to do it all and do it perfectly.

Psychological research (Schwartz, 1992) shows that when two core values, like performance and care collide, it creates emotional stress and internal friction. Particularly when we try to fully honor both at the same time, without consciously choosing between them.

And there’s another layer: the mental load. Sociological studies (Daminger, 2019) reveal that women, even in full-time leadership roles, still carry a disproportionate share of the unpaid emotional and mental labor at home like planning, anticipating, remembering, organizing. Hidden forms of care for the children, the grandparents, the pets..... This invisible work amplifies the pressure to keep it all under control and always be available.

What happens when your values clash?

Imagine this: you need to prepare for an important presentation, and your child is doing difficult to go to school. Or you’re up against a tight deadline, and one of your parents calls to ask your help or you just planned a nice celebration evening with your partner, going earlier homewards and one of your team members announces suddenly that they cannot deliver the task and reach out to you for assistance.

Numerous of these situations passed by in my coaching sessions. And every time it causes a feeling of distress. and raises the question "What do you choose?"

These aren’t simple scheduling conflicts, they’re value collisions. “I want to deliver high-quality work” versus “I want to be present for those who need me.”

Neither is wrong, but the tension is real. And when we don’t make intentional choices, our autopilot kicks in often driven by guilt, perfectionism, or the quiet belief that we're only enough when we do it all.

Personal leadership = choosing with kindness

Leadership doesn’t mean you can handle everything. It means you decide what truly matters with clarity and self-respect. According to Self-Determination Theory (Deci & Ryan, 2000), autonomy, the sense that you’re directing your own life, is essential for motivation and well-being. When you're living from internal pressure or outdated beliefs, you lose that autonomy, and burnout could eventually follow.

What can help?

• Clarify your values. What matters most to you right now? Where are you overcompensating or undernourishing?

• Challenge your beliefs. Are you stuck in stories you are telling to yourself, like “If I say no, I’m letting people down” or “I can rest only when everything is done or when everyone is happy”?

• Set clear boundaries. Practice in saying ways of no. It isn’t selfish. It’s leadership.

• Be kind to yourself. Researcher Kristin Neff (2003) showed that self-compassion leads to more resilience and less stress. You don’t need to be perfect to be powerful.

I recently spoke with a female director who shared her career story. For years, she tried to be everything to everyone, always pushing herself, always performing. But over time, she softened. Not because she lost her edge, but because she learned a different kind of strength: one rooted in presence, not perfection.

Feeling the pull between ambition and care and wondering how to lead yourself through it? Then know this:

You’re not alone.

But you also don’t have to stay stuck in the conflict.

You don’t need to do it all.

You just need to lead from what matters most with clarity, courage, and kindness.

Because leadership isn’t about being everything.

It’s about choosing what’s true

As a career coach, I love to help women to step into authentic leadership that aligns with who they truly are without burning out. If you're ready to shift from over-performing to leading with clarity, care, confidence, and calm, I’m here to guide you.

Let’s unlock the next chapter in your career starting with you. Book a free clarity call and get in touch with me to explore what that could look like for you.